i am hypnotized by the steam from my coffee. it is wafting toward my nostrils, bringing the acrid aroma of a dark roasted bean, its comfort lulling me into a semi-conscious stupor. outside the skies are the dark grey that tell of the threat of snow. my hat and fleece keep me warm enough to fall asleep sitting up in front of this big window, content to listen to the ambient worship music playing somewhere in this place, my favorite coffee shop.
it has been a long time since last i wrote on this blog. i read the previous entries and am confronted with how self-centered i have been in the writing of this blog. last year was an interesting year for me. i had something to prove to everyone, especially myself. I wanted people to see i was worth something in this sport called cycling. this need became an obsession, a monster that woke within and quickly became a beast that defied control. i rode the back of this beast until last june. when finally i gave pause to look back over the previous 8 months, i saw a man i didn't like; one who reflected a frightening resemblance to the boy i knew 15 years ago, so self-absorbed, insecure, and driven to a destination that promised significance but, even on its best day, delivered a fleeting glimpse of meaning as it disappeared around the next bend in the road.
i threw in the towel in july. i gained 12 pounds in a couple of months and didn't touch my bike for at least 6 weeks. it was a battle to stay in the gym and keep fit. i wrestled deeply, without complete resolution, with the idea of racing on a team this year. it was finally the love of the sport and the need to push myself that shook me out of the hypnosis that feels similar to what i am feeling this morning, staring out the window, smelling the wafts of my coffee. I took time off, but am back on the bike. I indulged in self-loathing, but am learning to accept the broken pieces of myself along with the whole pieces. I am older, have more grey hair, more wrinkles, less total hair than i had last year. each step in this direction has been a teacher.
i am racing this year, though with less frequency and less urgency. i have started training again. i have taken time to whittle this desire, freeing it from much of the imperfections of last year. looking in the rear view is important. sometimes your best companions can be a hot cup of coffee, a good view, a hammock, and a random dog that has pledged to be company for the day.
